On following love

(…not falling in love)

I met a man 14 years ago. We met in a class at university. There was a lot of love. So much love and connection that many people thought we were a couple. We weren’t. Not back then.

Then, 4 years later, in the mountains of Greece, a lighting struck and he fell In love with me. I got scared - will I lose my best friend to romantic love?

6 months later, a brief encounter at the airport. Hand on hand. And suddenly - electricity, again. This time it was me who felt it. And who had to admit there was something calling us together, something calling us to transition from friends to „more“.

And I had doubts: This friendship is so deep and rich, surely it's best to stay as we are? It was so confusing.

He could have kids with me, he said. My world started spinning.

Then our bodies met. More spinning.

As I sat at my beloved river pondering our connection, a flock of ravens flew above me. And I knew, this will be a time of deep change. I saw the water gurgling and I knew this will not be a smooth ride.

And almost immediately after saying YES to this new form of relating, still shy still exploring each others bodies for the first time, BAM our monsters came out of well-locked closets I didn’t even know existed.

And while we were trying to celebrate the honeymoon phase of our relating, THEY had a different agenda.

The depth of our love was matched with the intensity of challenge we experienced together, or rather, individually through our connection. And it was fucking hard.

I started my first therapy, learned about the ways my patterns impact the space between us and co-created conflict. He did the same. We learned to understand ourselves and each other more and more. We enjoyed being together, we had so much fun together. We loved each other so deeply.

And despite this love - no, actually because of it, our traumas rubbed against each other so intensely, that at times we didn’t know a pathway forward.

The hardest part? Knowing we cannot simply leave cause the bond of love was too strong. It was infuriating at times.

We had to stick with it.

I have been pondering a lot the difference between an unhealthy relationship and a soul-based one. It’s a fine line, as the commitment that some souls make with one another is nothing less than torture to the old, engrained patterns and wounds dreading to come out of their comfort zone to change and heal. (Of course, there are plenty more reasons why these ways of relating differ. I will not dwell on them here. Maybe in a different post).

Opening our container about 4 years in added another layer of complexity, as well as another layer of understanding how love can move through more than two and exponentially increase love and eros.

Then a soul began knocking at our door. And after 3 months of almost unbearable energetic pressure coming from this soul into my body, we invited him in.

A year into being parents, we transitioned out of romantic relating. It was an incredible tough transition for me - while deep down I knew this was the only way forward together.

An unfortunate, or furtunate circumstance (depends on the perspective) meant that, against our initial plans, we moved to a new place together. So since then we have been living together as family , as co-parents. We are getting increasingly better at listening, apologizing and understanding each other.

We have not found quite the right definition for our connection. For now we settle with companion. A companion for life, or at least a significant chunk of our lives. And soul companions for this lifetime, and many before. That I know for sure.

I am grateful for this tough ride. For I am way more healed and whole than I was before. The amount of shit I had to face within myself - I could not done without this man. And the way I loved and was loved - I have never experienced before in my life. It leaves an imprint on my heart that will be with me forever.

I know of the trail of damage I have created through lashing out from my pain, and he knows of his. The healing is still not over. But the monsters are not in the closets anymore, and neither are they controlling us. And I am fucking proud of what we accomplished. That we can live together, as ex-partners, and are learning to set each-other free while embracing the connection as it is truly alive for us now.

I sometimes ask myself whether I would do this again. To suffer so much, to witness so much suffering in the person I love. I don’t know. But I realize, this is not the question to ask.

The question is: Would I follow the call of love again when I hear it? And that, I can answer with my whole heart and from the depths of my soul:

YES, I would.